Thursday, August 30, 2007

The movie that is ROME

These are two epic films worth watching. Actually it's one film in two seasons. Generally speaking according to wikipedia, the term "epic" refers to movies that have a large scope, often set during a time of war or other conflict, and sometimes taking place over a considerable period of time and usually has a historical setting. The title itself speaks plenty. As we already have some general historical idea (from history subject in school) of what happened in Rome, it is quite easy to grasp the bits and pieces of the movie. This background allowed me to dwell more on details and concentrate on concepts that are new to me.

Unlike the dreary history books ... this movie has added drama and twist to history. Mind you, this movie is not for children. I am watching this after my kids went to bed. It's pretty much an adult movie as far as I'm concerned. The graphic violence, corse language, scenes of nudity and sequences of an adult nature are uncomfortable enough for me to be seen by my kids.

The complete first season of the daring, ground-breaking and controversial historical drama is composed of 12 episodes. Once I started watching, it's was soo hard not to finish them all. This movie has caused me alot of sleepy days at work (for staying up so late). The following is a summary from

The year is 52 B.C. Four hundred years after the founding of the Republic, Rome is the wealthiest city in the world, a cosmopolitan metropolis of one million people; epicenter of a sprawling empire. The Republic was founded on principles of shared power and fierce personal competition, never allowing one man to seize absolute control. But now, those foundations are crumbling, eaten away by corruption and excess. After eight years of war, two soldiers, Lucius Vorenus and Titus Pullo unwittingly become entwined in the historical events of ancient Rome. A serialized drama of love and betrayal, masters and slaves, husbands and wives, Rome chronicles a turbulent era that saw the death of a republic and the birth of an empire.

My favorite character is Titus Pullo. Check him out! He's so pure at heart (and so cute!!).

The second season has just been released. I'm on the first disc containing two episodes. I was better prepared this time because i only borrowed one disc. But then i am so eager to go back to Blockbuster to borrow the rest.

Synopsis of season 2 (from

The year is 44 B.C. Julius Caesar has been assassinated and civil war threatens to destroy the Republic. In the void left by Caesar's demise, egos clash and numerous players jockey for position. The brutally ambitious Mark Antony attempts to solidify his power, aligning himself with Atia, but coming to blows with her cunning son Octavian, who has been anointed in Caesar's will as his only son and heir. Meanwhile Titus Pullo attempts to pull his friend Lucius Vorenus out of the darkness that has engulfed his soul in the wake of personal tragedy. For once again, the fates of these two mismatched soldiers seem inexorably tied to the fate of Rome itself.


Finally.... to be 28 again! :)

Really!!?? I myself was shocked and amused at what I’m seeing. I was bored waiting for something when I happen to get my hands on my daughters Nintendo DS. She has this game called “Brain Age”. It basically gives you some kind of test and basing on your answers calculates your mental age. Tried this the first time and since I’m not so used to the game the first age I got is 65!!! That’s how slow my brains reacts to the questions presented to me. I was aghast! I need to practice.

This particular day I was, like I said, bored. I guess I have time go for some mental quiz. And Viola!! My brains age is 28! Sweet!! To be 28 again… he he. It’s really funny having this kind of reaction with age. But then, who would not wish to be young again? I am not denying that I would want to be young again. It does not mean I want it so bad though. I’ve had my share of being young. It has it’s own ups and downs. Some days I’d wish I’ve done things differently, most days I ‘d convince myself that I’ve done what I could.

I’ve come to the point in life where …age is just a state of mind. In my case…its 28!! :P

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Sick Kids Hospital and my Son

We spent almost the whole day in Sick Kids Hospital last Monday. It was my sons scheduled surgery. As it’s name convey, the patients here are from 0 to 17 years of age.. all children. Children hospitals are not new. We even have one back home. When we first went to this hospital we thought we came in the wrong building. The lobby itself does not look like it’s a hospital. It looks more like a mall. It even smell like a mall. I am quite amazed at the effort done to the place to alleviate the pain that their young patients feel. There are fountains; there are gift stores, toy stores, food shops and a huge balancing ballerina on a rope that moves across the whole lobby top. There are so many drawings on the windows. It definitely will somehow lift ones spirit, be it for the sick ones or the parents and guardians. I took the picture attached from the 6th floor. I only was able to take one or two pictures since I’m feeling so stressed.

It’s ironic, when we visited my aunt who lives in a Condo, my sons first question is ‘does she live in a hospital?’ Being so used to hospitals back home, he would know. So when he first came in the real hospital for sick kids, he was amazed (as we all are) at how different it is. The Condo building looks more of a hospital than the real one.

The next picture is my son before he’s called into the operating room. He’s all dressed up for the surgery but still managed to find time to play. In the waiting room, there are lots of toys and games for the waiting children to play on. Somehow it distracts them from the imminent procedure that will take place. It’s different for the mothers, no matter how much distraction there is, the dread is always there and it's nagging every second.

I’ve been to so many surgeries with my son and I’ve witnessed other mothers/fathers who are in the same situation. That day alone, I bare witness to mothers handing off their babies to the doctor, most crying. Fathers staring at the operating door long after the child were taken inside. What are they thinking and feeling? I know, very much the same as I am feeling. My son is 14 years old now and he is already strong. But when he was a baby, I cried buckets and prayed every second. Now, I still feel the pain inside but I try not to cry. He needs me to be strong so he can be strong. And he is a strong boy.
The surgery took 30 to 45 minutes. It's a minor one and we can go home after he has recovered from the anesthesia. We were called in the recovery room as soon as he's awake. Its strange seeing him walking strong into the operating room and then finding him in bed all strapped with needles and monitors. It's just heartbreaking but at the same time i feel glad that it's over.
He opened his eyes and looked at us and whispered.. "you have to buy me a new game for this". I smiled and replied, "anything for my poor baby" :)
Here's a virtual tour of the Hospital, enjoy!

I'm Sorry my Son

Took two days of vacation from work. I wished it was really a vacation (God knows how much i needed that) but it was really a time to be with my son. He had a surgery. It's only a minor surgery. It's weird having to say minor, for every mother, a surgery is a surgery and it's something to get anxious about. My son is 14 years old and he's had 5 surgeries in his lifetime. Two of them major and three minor. The two major surgery was done back home and since we arrived here in Canada he's had 3 minor surgeries. And the most recent is not the last. He'll have to go through some more (major ones) in the future.

Sometimes, mostly when I'm feeling weak and weary, I've hated myself for whatever my son's going through. I blame myself for all the pain he has to go through and each time i have to say sorry and ask forgiveness. When I'm feeling stronger i would convince myself that God has chosen me to take care of this angel and that He trusts that i will provide what he needs. Most of the time I show him courage and not tears. If i can't be strong in front of him, then he can't be strong himself for whatever the future holds for him. I told him that this is what God wants us to do and that we should have faith.

If you ask him about all these surgeries happening around him, he'll just shrug. He will say he's used to it and it's better than having a disease that cannot be cured.

For me ... i pray that all these surgeries be finished. It's not easy having to go through each one, minor or major. I don't think my heart can endure more.
But then again ... a mother's heart can bear the heaviest burden of all.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Pakisabi nalang ( Please tell him )

I like this song. It's a Tagalog song but i'll try to translate it in English:

Nais kong malaman niya nagmamahal ako (I want him to know that i'm in love)
'Yan lang ang nag-iisang pangarap ko (It's the only dream i have)
Gusto ko mang sabihin 'di ko kayang simulan (i'd like to tell him but i don't know where to start)
'Pag nagkita kayo pakisabi na lang (When you See him, please tell him)

Pakisabi na lang na mahal ko siya (Please tell him i love him)
'Di na baleng my mahal siyang iba (I'ts alright if he loves someone else)
(Pakisabi na lang)Pakisabi huwag siyang mag-alala (Please tell him not to worry)
'Di ako umaasa ( I am not expecting anything)
Alam kong ito'y malabo ( I know it's hopeless)
'Di ko na mababago('Di mababago) ( I cannot change it) (Cannot change)
Ganoon pa man pakisabi na lang (eventhough, please let him know)

Sana ay malaman niya masaya na rin ako ( I wish he would know that I'm happy anyway)
Kahit na nasasaktan ang puso ko (even if my heart aches)
Wala na 'kong maisip na masMadali pang paraan (I can't think of an easier way)
'Pag nagkita kayo pakisabi na lang (When you see him, please tell him)

Pakisabi na lang umiibig ako ( Please tell him i love him)
Lagi siyang naririto sa puso ko(Pakisabi na lang na mahal ko siya) (He's always in my heart) (Please tell him I love him)
P'wede ba...(Mahal ko siya) ( Please...?) (I love him)

It's a pathetic song...but i still find it cute. This is for those hopeless romantics... uh...*ducking for cover* :) If you like to hear how it sound...

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Missing the rain.....

My cubicle at work is beside the window. And it’s quite a big window. I basically know who is coming in if I’m by my computer working. But most times I’m all over the place taking care of problems. I know that most people would want a place by the window. Believe me, when they showed me the place when I got promoted, I was really excited to have some natural light for a change. After a year of working by a window where in the winter its colder than other places and in the summer, its hotter and sometimes I may actually need to wear sun glasses. But that’s all okay…still better than not having a window.

Today, the sky is gray and I can hear some distant thunder. It rarely rains in Canada. I mean the kind of rain we have back home. The rain here last a minute or two and its giving me weird feeling. Feeling of being unsatisfied…hehe. I miss the torrential rains we have. I miss the constant pouring of rain for hours. It sounds almost like a song to me…a kind of a lullaby. Whether it’s day or night, it always beckons me to sleep.

I remember when we were kids, when it starts to rain we would beg our parents to let us play under the rain. It would take us quite some time to beg and still come out with the rains still pouring and be able to enjoy the rain quite a bit longer after that. If it was here, I guess the rain would’ve gone away during the time of begging. What a snobbish rain they have in Canada!!!

When I’m a bit older…my fondness of the tropical rain has branched a bit. Oh yeah, I still very much would like to run under the rain getting all wet or perhaps play ball and whatever. But this time there’s a bit of romance mixed into it. I would imagine being in a resort with someone special and it was the rainy season. * making a big smile now * Rainy season would mean that in any given time when rain comes…it would rain for days!!! So, what would sweethearts do during times like this? It didn’t stop us from taking a stroll (in the rain, no umbrella of course), do the chasing ritual (aw c’mon, everybody must have done that :P), and then get in a the cottage made of nipa…we call it nipa hut….and be one with the rain, and then let the rain lullaby us to sleep. Can anybody imagine doing all those throughout the duration of the rain??? I can…. Imagine that is. If I’m here in Canada where rain last like a minute…then it’s all imagination for me right now.

*sigh * … I miss the rain

Tuesday, August 21, 2007 words hurt!!

It’s so fun reading the outbursts of enraged people. No offense, I don’t mean to express amusement at any display of emotion, especially for something that is so sensitive but this kind of thing does not happen regularly in the open (for me, that is). In a world where people must observe some level of civility, outbursts like these can be really interesting.

I am referring to the comments (fiery and full of words that are shooting past superlative levels) made by people who are offended by the writings done by a woman named Malu Fernandez. I admit, after reading her article, she unknowingly (or knowingly ;)) provoked everything that is coming her way.

Surely, I have never came across such a thick-faced journalist. She is definitely a fake and has serious psychological issues. She deserves everything that is now coming her way (in the most dramatic ways) and should be prepared for more.

I am not to add more to the already overflowing invectives. I very much agree to every bit of word thrown at her. Mind you, i wouldn't want to be in her shoes (not ever!!!) ha ha. I just want to bask in the midst of all the adrenalin flow because it gives this feeling of heightened senses. … (wow sounded like the movie 300!). It’s like being in one of those rallies in PUP during my University days. Just that then everybody needs to be there you just needed to be heard (or read).

There will never be enough words to be said but then there is just so much adrenalin to be let out. Soon enough, as all fire does…it will die down. What we need after this is a lesson and a realization that in any society, RESPECT is of utmost important.

Friday, August 17, 2007

The thing about friends.....

My title looks like I have all the hang-ups in the world about friends. I guess experiences have altered my perception of what friends are. I’m an introvert early in life. I would be by myself and not reach out even if it means life and death. I remember being lost one time when I was 11 years old and I just wandered around and not have the guts to ask for direction or help. At school, I will not be the first to go near somebody and ask if he/she can be my friend. Its always the other way around. I have gained my friend because they came to me. And when that happens, I am always worried because I don’t exactly know how to be friends. But I appreciate the friendship and I do my best to keep them.

But I really must have been bad at it because somehow, the friends I managed to get are the ones that hurt me the most.

The friend that I thought is the best. The one that I married and had children with. Has chosen to stray…not once, not twice…

Then there’s this friend that we met at work. Really nice to hang out with, really one of the gang. Then one day I found, as my husband confessed. There is something going on between her and him.

Then there’s another friend… a friend I thought I could trust. I even made her Godmother to my child. Run away one day with the hubby to Ottawa.

You see…I’m running out of friends. I’d like to have more but now I am not quite sure. I think I don’t know how choose friends…afraid that friends will only hurt me sooner or later. Afraid that if I get any closer to them they will hurt me in so many ways.

But who can live alone? I surely couldn’t, that I could not deny. With all the traumas I had, I’m still hoping that a true friend is out there and I should help her/him to find me. And with whatever friends I still have left, I am very thankful. If I get paranoid at times, I hope they understand.
You know, the thing about friends?…. is just that. All in all I have no hang-ups about it…NOT!!! :)

Wednesday, August 15, 2007


Yup! You're right I'm still not over it. Since i found that letter, it kept me from thinking bad thoughts. That is good i think, the perfect distraction. Darn...only if i have lots of those letters. I probably have but I've only printed one and the rest of them are gone. Anyway, better than nothing, eh?

I probably have some pic stashed away somewhere too. Who knows, probably when I'm really depressed again, it will show up and make my day better (better is an understatement).

Funny...we met when i was still back home in the Philippines. He is in Philadelphia then and probably until now if he hasn't moved. He would not know that I've moved closer. I'm not saying that i will go find him now that I'm closer and with all this personal problem I'm having. I have no plans of making any effort to find him. Just wishful thinking ... he he

Well, like what he said in the letter, "I am realistic, and I do know that the chances of us being anything more than pen pals is not extremely in our favor. But at the same time I am a romantic, and I am open to the possibilities of whatever the future holds."..... very well said, my sentiments exactly!!! :)))

Maybe on the afterlife we'll meet. Or on the next one.... *shucks* i'm a hopeless romantic...

Living in a different world...

It's been almost five years...what has happened since then? Am i ready to call this place home? Has it embraced me like its own? Has it shown me that it is where i belong?

I remember the first few days i was here. It seemed like every inch of my physical body rejects the surrounding. It's like i a new organ put inside the body and the body is rejecting every bit of it. I guess it's really how it is. I've been to other parts of the world in short periods and it always scared me. Seeing people very different from me leave me hyperventilated. It's all so funny now.

My first winter was really a shocker. I either wear too much or too little. I have my feet frozen a few times. I am shocked to see how little people can wear during summer (thinking i came from a tropical country! I thought I'd seen enough!) he he. How it overwhelms me to see so many different color of skin, like where do i fit into these color schemes???

Did i ever think of going back? Even once? My honest answer.... no. When I came here, I promised myself that i will do my best to stay and begin a new life. Amidst the internal rejection i feel inside, i have that burning desire in mind that i have to make it for myself and my kids. There are so much bad experiences that i needed to put behind me (only to know that i cannot really leave them behind because they are to haunt me forever but that's another story).

So! Now... my body has learned to live with it's surrounding. It wasn't easy starting over, it caused me nights of tears and sleeplessness and lots and lots of prayer. When i walk the street and ride the bus, i feel i belong and that i can do what anybody can do. I can be sure that skin color has nothing to do with the scheme of things.

The winter isn't as cruel anymore. The summer fashion fever has become contagious...he he. Well there's a saying "if you can't beat them, join them!". The best thing I've learned about this place is that NOBODY CARES!!! You can very much do what you want (except break the law) and not be constrained by what others might think.

There's a down side on the nobody cares attitude however. When there comes a time that you really need someone to care.... it is so hard to find one. I was depressed for a while... i have no one to share my pain. I knew that in order to heal i need to let this pain out. I went to see a therapist (it's free anyway). Did it help me? he he... i must say it did. How can it not be when besides the outpouring of whatever i want to say, i was given a medicine that would help me deal with surges of emotions. Something i will not find cheap back home. Back home, i get a different kind of therapy.... nights of drinking with friends... :). Friends.... that is one thing i still have to find here. I think i don't know how to make friends ... why?? i will reserve this topic for another time.

Is Canada my new home? Yes, she's been good to me. She has given me hope to see my dreams come true.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007


I was rummaging through my drawer when my eyes were caught by a piece of paper folded neatly in quarters. As I look at the folded paper, my heart made a slight leap. I think I know what it is. I reached for it and slowly unfolded the paper and read.

It is the most beautiful letter I have ever received. As I read each word (which I have done so many times before), recollections of a beautiful past came flooding back. With a big deep breath, I sat back and allowed those memories to fill my being. Time stood, a much-needed respite. Savoring all the wonderful moments.

It’s not just the letter. It’s the endless talks and adventures that only the mind can reach. It’s a completely different world.

You might ask…is this letter from my now husband? If not… why in Gods name did I let him slip through??

Let’s just say, he came to my life a bit late and he’s also a bit too far. Two people located on opposite sides of the world. But then what we had was the most beautiful thing. For two people who have not physically met and find themselves in complete harmony is something beyond spectacular. Until this day, I remember him only with good thoughts.

Here’s an excerpt of the letter…”We have just ended our 3 ½ hour conversation and I feel like I could talk to you for another 3. It is very strange to feel so close to someone who I have never really met. I want to tell you how very special you are to me. Some of the experiences in my life have left me with a few negative perceptions about females in general, but I credit you for showing me the very positive personality traits that a lady can possess. I meant what I said about you being a beautiful woman, and I would expand that to say that you are a beautiful person….” The rest gets even better :)

A Song in My Head...not exactly a lullaby

I woke up this morning with a song in my head. It goes like….“ I remember the night we were dancing….my friend stole my sweetheart from me”. Hmmm…I am not sure if it’s an extension of my dream but I have no recollection of my dream last night at all. The only thing that has been repeating over and over is that song. Just seem to be drifting behind my mind. Even now that I’m typing, it’s there. (mocking me…perhaps)

I’ve had my share of bad dreams. It’s probably the effect of all emotional traumas that I have gone through. I wake up with my insides crying. There were no tears but I can feel my body sobbing. I’m experiencing it all over again. It’s interesting how the mind works and how it slaves or deceives the body. You see, I’ve seen these in the movies… I’ve never thought I would experience it myself. I now know how the veterans of wars feel when they had nightmares. I’ve had my share of wars…. and it’s visiting me in my dreams. Not a very pleasant visit or a welcomed one. Even though I mentioned that it’s interesting, needless to say… it’s not something that one wishes to happen to oneself. But I’m in it neck deep. When and how I can crawl out of this hole is still a question. All I can do is pray that my daughter be spared in her time.

So, for the Tennessee Waltz that woke me and is humming merrily at the back of my mind… hum on. I can handle the truth…I’ll probably sing along. :)

Monday, August 13, 2007

When is a promise a promise? or am i just plain stupid?

It's been two years that he promised. A promise made in between tears. A promise i took although so many times he had made promises and none came through. My friends, if they knew, will probably bang my head to the wall. It's the unspoken threath of all who knew ( i guess they got tired of saying it to my face or to my back). I know i'm just pathetic, even i have no excuse.

They say i'm too nice, too soft, too trusting. But, the truth is that i have no trust left inside me anymore and that i'm too weak. I have always told myself, as long as he's the one coming back to me, it means that i am special. But i don't feel special, i feel used. He would say he love me but what is empty words?

He promised to get away from her...he promised to stay. He said he'll find another job, away from her. After two years, he's still there. He managed instead to get another part time job and to add to my torture... she's also there.

How much torture should i bear? How much pain i have to suffer? What am i waiting for? Thus my prayer every night.