It's been almost five years...what has happened since then? Am i ready to call this place home? Has it embraced me like its own? Has it shown me that it is where i belong?
I remember the first few days i was here. It seemed like every inch of my physical body rejects the surrounding. It's like i a new organ put inside the body and the body is rejecting every bit of it. I guess it's really how it is. I've been to other parts of the world in short periods and it always scared me. Seeing people very different from me leave me hyperventilated. It's all so funny now.
My first winter was really a shocker. I either wear too much or too little. I have my feet frozen a few times. I am shocked to see how little people can wear during summer (thinking i came from a tropical country! I thought I'd seen enough!) he he. How it overwhelms me to see so many different color of skin, like where do i fit into these color schemes???
Did i ever think of going back? Even once? My honest answer.... no. When I came here, I promised myself that i will do my best to stay and begin a new life. Amidst the internal rejection i feel inside, i have that burning desire in mind that i have to make it for myself and my kids. There are so much bad experiences that i needed to put behind me (only to know that i cannot really leave them behind because they are to haunt me forever but that's another story).
So! Now... my body has learned to live with it's surrounding. It wasn't easy starting over, it caused me nights of tears and sleeplessness and lots and lots of prayer. When i walk the street and ride the bus, i feel i belong and that i can do what anybody can do. I can be sure that skin color has nothing to do with the scheme of things.
The winter isn't as cruel anymore. The summer fashion fever has become contagious...he he. Well there's a saying "if you can't beat them, join them!". The best thing I've learned about this place is that NOBODY CARES!!! You can very much do what you want (except break the law) and not be constrained by what others might think.
There's a down side on the nobody cares attitude however. When there comes a time that you really need someone to care.... it is so hard to find one. I was depressed for a while... i have no one to share my pain. I knew that in order to heal i need to let this pain out. I went to see a therapist (it's free anyway). Did it help me? he he... i must say it did. How can it not be when besides the outpouring of whatever i want to say, i was given a medicine that would help me deal with surges of emotions. Something i will not find cheap back home. Back home, i get a different kind of therapy.... nights of drinking with friends... :). Friends.... that is one thing i still have to find here. I think i don't know how to make friends ... why?? i will reserve this topic for another time.
Is Canada my new home? Yes, she's been good to me. She has given me hope to see my dreams come true.
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